Supporting someone through restorative justice

Being a support person for someone who has been harmed or has harmed someone else can be difficult. You may not know what to do, what to say or how to respond. You may have a lot of your own feelings about the incident. Guilt, shame, shock, sadness, embarrassment and anger are all quite common and normal. It’s ok to feel these things, but what does the person you are supporting need? Support will look different depending on your person’s needs going through this process.

Woman standing on bench looking over city

Supporting a survivor

Their reaction is normal – even if it’s not the same as yours. Separating your reactions and theirs if they aren’t the same is important as it allows you to listen and have some understanding of what they are going through.

Listen to what they have to say and validate it.

Believe them.

Understand that the effects of the incident may not be over for them. They may have memories, flashbacks, nightmares or overwhelming emotions for a long time.

Let them go at their own speed – people don’t heal at the same rate, everyone is different.

Allow them to talk – or not. Sometimes sitting in silence with someone you feel safe with is helpful.

Attend appointments with them during the restorative justice process if you can.

You don’t need to “fix” anything. We never want to see people we care about in distress but sometimes just being there and acknowledging how they are feeling is a huge help.

Treat them normally. Find ways to incorporate what you would normally do together into your interactions. Your person may or may not be up for some things but may want routine and to just be themselves with you.

Supporting a person who may have caused harm

Listen without judgement. Part of taking responsibility is being able to discuss what happened and why. Honesty is important.

Separate the behaviour from the person. You can feel very strongly about what they may have done and still be supportive of them as the person you care about. By doing this it encourages them to talk to you and help them work through changes they might need to make.

Help them through the difficult emotions. Shame, embarrassment and guilt can be quite common and can shut down conversations for fear of being judged. Understanding what they might be feeling can help you normalise their feelings and help them move through them to get to what may have caused the behaviour. It can also help them explore what amends might need to be made and how to do that.

Hold them accountable. If they’ve agreed to do something in their work with the Accountability Specialist or during the conference, then be the person to remind them or help them to achieve that action.

Attend appointments during the restorative justice process if you can.

Try to help them understand the impact that their actions have had and help them to show empathy by relating it to something in their own life.

Model care and empathy for the Survivor.

Challenge victim blaming statements or excuses for their behaviour, (i.e. I was drunk).

Being a support person

Being a support person can be exhausting mentally and emotionally. You are walking alongside your person and it’s natural to have ups and downs. You may feel like your family or circle of friends have been torn apart and will never be the same again so it’s important to take care of yourself too and know that you are helping to move forward from this place.

Keep up your hobbies and things you like to do. Take time to relax and breathe. Find your own support person and tell them what you need from them (be mindful of your person’s privacy in what you tell someone else). Filling up your own resources will help you have strength and energy for others.

FAQs

This has impacted me too. Can I have a Restorative Justice process too?

Unfortunately, no as our mandate is to work with the survivor and the person who may have caused harm. While you may feel victimised and have impacts of your own which are valid, and we encourage you to get support along the way, we stay centered on the survivor first and foremost. Healing often comes for all participants if the restorative process is successful. The Specialists will talk to you about the impacts you might be experiencing to ensure you have support.

Having said that, there are some spaces within the process to incorporate some of these impacts into the work we do with the survivor and the person who may have harmed them. By being part of the process, you may have needs that get met as we work through the conference. Things like questions answered, plans going forward, seeing accountability etc. might be part of your healing journey too.

I care about both people involved. How do I support both without playing “sides”?

When both people are part of your whānau or friend circle it’s hard to balance both sides. In families for example, you don’t necessarily stop loving the person whose behaviour harmed someone, but you may be angry at the behaviour and have strong feelings there. In these cases, it might mean that you aren’t the main support for either one but take a step back to represent the family as a whole. Being able to talk about it with the Specialist and the people involved will help clarify what role you might take to make sure that neither person feels you are rejecting them. It also means that both parties are aware of your own position and that transparency does help moving forward.

Do I have to speak?

No, you don’t if you aren’t comfortable with that. We often ask support people to say a few words about what they have seen in terms of the impacts on the participant or anything participants may have done to help themselves after the incident. This is voluntary though.

I’m really angry. What if I “lose it” in the room?

The Facilitator and Specialist will be meeting with you to assess whether you would be helpful as a support person. They will talk to you about your feelings, what that might mean to the participants and ways to help you manage those feelings. It’s okay to have strong emotions. We take lots of breaks during the conference to help process and deal with these emotions. However, if we think that you would struggle too much then we would seek out another support person. This isn’t a reflection on you, just that you are at a different stage of the healing journey than the survivor or the person who may have harmed them.

What support is there for me?

The Specialist will speak with you about your needs during and after the conference. They will make agreed upon referrals for you based on this. Individual or family therapy can often be helpful in unpacking anything that has come up for you.